Embarrassed by their association with Americans following the election of Donald J. Trump as president, U.S. domestic cats on Thursday seized a 90-thousand-acre parcel of mostly rural land in southwestern Missouri and proclaimed it the Republic of Catistan.
A feline Declaration of Independence was sent to major newspapers in the U.S. and around the world, stating: “We hold this single truth to be self-evident, that no cat with any dignity would preserve an attachment to a nation led by an inflatable vinyl buffoon like Donald Trump.”
With the exception of 14 violent altercations reported near the towns of Joplin and Branson, human residents were peaceably escorted from the territory of Catistan by teams of unneutered Siamese tomcats. As they crossed the border into exile, each person was given a week’s worth of kibble, an assortment of flavored chew toys, and a 10-pound bag of clump-forming, odor-neutralizing kitty litter.
When people complained they had no need of such provisions, cats shrugged and said, “It’s what you gave us. Now move along.”
Late Thursday, felines gathered in the capital city of New Meowpia to hammer out—or claw out, as it were—a Bill of Rights. Finally, at 11:47 p.m., cats stepped onto inkpads and then signed the historic document by walking on it. The document asserts the following:
Cats totally rule!
People may follow Jesus, but Jesus followed cats.
Cats—and cats only—matter.
Nap as needed.
Cat is both verb and noun. Cat me a cat!