Flowers Refusing to Come Up in GOP Yards this Spring

Republican homeowners searching their flower gardens for the first green shoots of March and April will be sorely disappointed this year. That’s because most flower bulbs — including favorites such as tulips and daffodils — have said they won’t come up in right-wing yards this spring in protest of GOP policies that favor the richest Americans.

“We’re simply not going to poke our heads above ground for these immoral freaks who keep insisting on cutting taxes for the ultra-wealthy,” a daffodil bulb, resting six inches deep in suburban Minneapolis soil, said Thursday morning. “The Republican coddlers of the rich won’t get to see us bloom on their own property. They’ll have to gaze across the street at Democratic gardens, cultivated by people who were paying attention in the 1980s when the hoax of trickle-down economics was exposed.”

Late Wednesday afternoon, a tricolor tulip bulb in a Houston yard became livid when asked about the GOP goons who planted it. Interviewed underground in heavily amended soil, the bulb said its owners were “the kind of numbskulls who burble about easing the income gap by freeing corporations from taxation and regulation. This flatulent talk makes me want to puke up my foliage before it has a chance to sprout.”

Earlier in the week, encouraged by warm weather, an Iowa crocus bulb sent up a tender green shoot in a Republican garden, only to withdraw it upon hearing the homeowners applaud Ted Cruz for proposing a massive tax cut for the wealthiest in America.

“I refuse to come up and bloom for these people,” the crocus said. “Such pinheads don’t deserve me, neither my delicate cup-shaped flowers nor my showy purple and white colors. I’m staying underground, at least until the property changes hands, and someone moves in who doesn’t worship at the altar of money.”