Poll: Most Republicans Secretly Doubt They Are Qualified to Vote

Alarmed by the cringe-worthy candidates they support in the presidential contest, a solid majority of Republican primary voters harbor secret doubts about their own qualifications to vote, according to a Pinpoint Parsnippety poll released on Thursday.

The poll found that 72 percent of Republican voters, at some time over the past six weeks, “seriously questioned” whether they were capable of voting responsibly in the November general election. Sixty-two percent confessed they had a “more than occasional” feeling that they should not be allowed to vote for a president, given the unsavory nature of the candidates that appeal to them.

While a slim majority of GOP voters held out hope that they could and would vote responsibly in November, about four in 10 acknowledged they were unfit to participate in a democracy and were “much more” suited to an authoritarian form of government.

“I really like Trump and I plan on voting for him,” said Bruce Wickersham, an insurance adjuster from Miami, “but let’s be honest: the fact that I like him and support him should probably disqualify me from voting, shouldn’t it? I mean, the guy talks like a carnival barker in a vinyl shirt.”

Of the registered Republicans who favor Ted Cruz, 84 percent admitted that they were a “clear and present danger” both to themselves and to others, and that the government should physically restrain them from entering a voting booth.

“If someone doesn’t stop me,” said Gary Buckley, a greeting card salesman from Houston, “I’ll vote for Cruz; I really will go ahead and do it. Yes, I know he wants to give enormous tax cuts to the richest Americans. I know his foreign policy amounts to raising his fist, grimacing, and swearing he’ll carpet-bomb our enemies. And I know that, as president, he would embarrass himself and the entire nation by denying the fact of evolution as well as the validity of scientific knowledge in general. But I don’t care about all that; I like him anyway. So you see what I’m trying to say? — I’m really not qualified to vote, and someone needs to stop me from doing it.”