Ohio Fourth-Grader Enters GOP Presidential Race, Promising to Raise Level of Republican Discourse

Noah Felton, a well-behaved and socially mature fourth-grader from Martin Luther King Elementary School in Cleveland, announced Thursday he was entering the race for the Republican presidential nomination.

Felton, age 9, made the announcement atop the jungle gym at his school’s playground as 180 students in grades K through 6 shouted their support. “I have a lot of homework these days, especially in spelling and arithmetic, so I really shouldn’t be doing this,” Felton declared. “But I think it’s my duty to join the contest and set an example of how people should discuss their political differences and debate the issues.”

The event, supervised by school principal Amanda Johnson, was disrupted when Donald Trump and Marco Rubio ran onto the playground and began making fun of a birthmark on Felton’s neck.

“The American people aren’t going to elect someone with an ugly brown spot on his body,” laughed Trump, pointing to the blemish and then grimacing. “Ewwww, how gross.”

Not to be outdone, Rubio chided the fourth-grader: “Hey, Felton, you know what they say about guys with moles? They got the shortest poles! Ha ha! Get it?”

As Ms. Johnson started to herd the children away from Trump and Rubio and to a place of safety, Ted Cruz appeared in a giant lizard costume and darted toward the group. He warned the students not to believe in the “hocus-pocus” of science and never to worry about threats to the environment or the earth.

“The earth will be around a lot longer than you will,” Cruz snarled, “because God in his righteous fury will soon condemn you all to hellfire for your Cleveland values.” 

At this, the frightened children turned and sprinted away in every direction, screaming as they fled.