Skull Fossil Suggests Republicans Diverged From Modern Humans Earlier Than Thought

Archaeologists digging in a South African cave have uncovered a rare skull that sheds new light on the origins and evolution of Republicans, a dwindling group of archaic humans that once included Neanderthals.

The partially intact GOP skull, estimated to be 240,000 years old, predates by at least 50,000 years any previously known Republican fossil.

“What this means is that the Republican species — or what we call “GOP Man” — split off from the lineage of modern humans much earlier than we had thought,” said Dr. Martha Oster, a geneticist at the Fritz Planck Institute for Prehistoric Politics in Göttingen, Germany, and a member of the excavation team. “And the consequences of this divergence were grave for the GOP people. They were probably unable to breed with the more advanced members of Homo sapiens such as Homo sapiens democraticus, resulting in cognitive deficits that are all too apparent to this day.” 

Scientists around the world applauded not just the fossil discovery but the exquisite timing of it. 

“Without this skull,” said Chen Qi, a paleoanthropologist at the University of Minnesota, “we’d have a hard time explaining how Republicans, who are anatomically similar to modern humans, could behave in the primitive manner we see so clearly in the U.S. today. But now the answer is obvious. In nominating an archaic human like Ted Cruz or Donald Trump to be president, the Republicans are merely following — or reflecting, rather — the fateful evolutionary path they took more than 200,000 years ago.”

A remaining mystery is how and when GOP Man migrated from Africa, across Asia, up through Siberia, and crossed the then-existing land bridge into North America. It is even more of a puzzle why the Republicans survived in none of those far-flung places, with the exception of the United States, where they cling to ever-shrinking habitat in small groups or clans of five to 35 individuals.

“Unless they can find a way to mate and interbreed with modern Americans,” said Qi, “I can’t imagine that GOP Man will be around much longer.”