Cruz Says Jesus Too Liberal for Americans to Follow

After taking some time off to read the Bible — specifically the New Testament — Ted Cruz returned to the campaign trail on Thursday saying he now believes that Jesus, the Son of God, is too liberal for the American people to accept as their savior and spiritual leader.

“All my life I’d heard about the Gospels,” said Cruz, “but it wasn’t until I actually read them the last couple of days that I realized how liberal Jesus really was. I mean, we’re talking New York liberal and probably even Vermont socialist. The guy — or the Guy/God, I suppose — reminds me of Bernie Sanders, with all his progressive blather about the corruption of the rich and powerful.”

The most disturbing thing about Jesus, said Cruz, “is his obsession with caring for and hanging out with a bunch of losers, like poor people and homeless beggars, sick and unemployed people, strangers and immigrants (some of them undocumented!), and even prisoners.”

“I’m not making this up,” Cruz continued. “He — the real Jesus — is as radical as any longhaired punk camping out with street people in Boston or Philadelphia. If you don’t believe me, you can go read it for yourself, in the Gospel of Matthew, 25:31-46. Check it out. And don’t miss the part where Jesus says that showing kindness and generosity toward the least fortunate is the same as showing kindness and generosity toward Jesus himself. Now that’s just dangerous left-wing nonsense, worse than Obamacare.”

His eyes squinting with earnest self-love, his creepy smile curling upward with naked self-regard, Cruz then declared that it was time for the American people “to worship a true conservative, an authentic conservative, an American conservative such as myself.”