Wall Street Firm to Buy Missouri and Kentucky for $91 Billion

The Manhattan-based private equity firm Imperium Capital said on Friday that it would buy the states of Missouri and Kentucky for $91 billion in order to expand its real estate holdings in the United States.

The all-cash deal will make Imperium a major force in both the commercial and residential real estate markets in North America, while adding roughly 10.4 million men, women, and children to its labor portfolio.

“This is an important step in our profitable growth strategy,” David C. Blackstone, Imperium’s chief executive, said in a conference call to the wary masses of hourly workers and unemployed people in Missouri and Kentucky. “With the acquisition of these two states we can continue to live as though life were a game of Monopoly, whose sole purpose is to hoard as much wealth as possible while doing nothing of real benefit for other human beings or society at large.”

Under the terms of the deal, Missouri and Kentucky will become subsidiaries of Imperium. Residents of both states will receive a one-time cash payment of $285, and adults between the ages of 18 and 72 will be assigned a job appropriate to their level of skill and education. Anyone wishing to leave either state for any reason will not be allowed to do so. 

In a televised address to Missouri residents, Gov. John Walters — soon to be director of sales and marketing for the state — praised Imperium for putting its “faith and resources into the great state of Missouri, a corporate state we can all be proud of. It is up to us now — the people who live here, work here, and raise families here — to do our best to ensure that Imperium’s investment in Missouri Inc. provides the firm with a 10 to 15 percent annual return.”

“We can do it,” Walters continued, pumping a fist in the air. “We can do it together, we can win together, with Imperium on our side. Together let’s make our state great again. Let’s make America great again!”