Highly Intelligent Organism Discovered on Planet in Neighboring Galaxy

In a historic development certain to affect the future course of human civilization, NASA scientists announced Friday that they had discovered and established communications with a single, highly intelligent life form living on a planet in one of the Milky Way’s neighboring galaxies, some 2.3 million light-years from earth.

Images taken from NASA’s J-Law Radio Telescope showed the alien to be a massive, bulbous creature roughly the size and shape of Rhode Island.

The messages exchanged between the scientists and the organism were “cordial and informative,” said a NASA spokesperson, who added: “It took us about three seconds to understand that we were dealing with an intelligence far greater than our own.”

Events unfolded swiftly and dramatically. It was late Thursday, at 11:38 p.m. (EST), when NASA’s Kepler spacecraft picked up an unusual signal, which appeared to be transmitted intentionally and came from a galaxy known as NGC 185, in the constellation Cassiopeia. Embedded in the signal was an algorithmic message that, scientists said, seemed eerily to decode itself on their computer screens as they read it.

The astonished scientists soon realized they were reading an account of the alien’s life, essentially an outline of the important stages in its 8.37 billion years of existence. The gigantic organism — dubbed “Smarty Pants” by scientists — had once been a society of individuals.

“But these separate selves, with their separate interests and desires, tended to become little more than fleshy pods of extreme and grotesque selfishness,” according to the history. “Thus we decided to fuse ourselves together and make one life out of many.”

Since the time of the “Great Fusion” 6.29 billion years ago, “neither war nor violence nor dumb belligerence, neither greed nor selfishness nor stupid narcissism has blighted our life,” the history says.

But despite its remarkable success in solving life’s most serious problems, the intelligent alien still requires sleep and still suffers from occasional nightmares. The worst nightmares recall a time before the fusion, a time of fragmented life, a time when:

  • Individuals allowed an addiction to handheld communication devices to impoverish all social relations, to the extent that husbands and wives and children, lovers and friends and acquaintances, at a restaurant, would pay as much attention to the device as to the person in front of them.
  • Individuals carried personal weapons such as wooden clubs and assault rifles, living their lives in a frightened crouch of Pleistocene lust and violence.
  • Individuals worshiped the ancient, primitive, orange-haired god of darkness and destruction, whose son was born to a mortal mother in a land called Murica. But except for the orange hair, the boy was nothing like the father. The loutish boy became known as “the daffy deity” and attracted followers easily taken in by cartoon heroes and cardboard saviors.