Chinese Third Graders Outscore U.S. Adults on American History Test

In what experts say is yet another sign that Americans have become unfit for self-government and cannot be trusted with the freedoms they inherited from their ancestors, Chinese third graders in May outperformed U.S. adults on a widely respected American history exam.

The test — a series of pop quizzes given randomly to customers at tea and coffee cafes — is administered annually by Peace Corps volunteers on a mission to develop historical literacy in the United States and in other nations lacking a basic knowledge of American history.

This year’s exam consisted of ten questions, with topics ranging from Sacagawea’s failure to win a restraining order against Lewis and Clark, to Dick Cheney’s failure to find relief in psychotherapy from a rare disorder that prevents him from looking in a mirror. Questions included the following:

  • Who, what, why, where, and when was George Washington?
  • Which founding father is responsible for the ketchup stain on the Constitution? And which founder made it worse by trying to rub it out?
  • It has recently come to light that Thomas Jefferson began to identify as a woman during the months leading up to the Second Continental Congress. Can this fact alone explain his habit of spritzing lemon-tangerine scent on his periwig at that convention of colonial delegates?
  • Could Abraham Lincoln have written the Gettysburg Address if he had owned an iPhone and checked it for text messages 300 times a day?
  • In the Civil War, which side was God on? Did Jesus influence the outcome of particular battles, and, if so, did he sometimes help the South win and sometimes the North? Rather than take a side in a given battle, did he ever just sit and watch the endless slaughter of young men and wonder why the hell he'd gotten involved with these monsters in the first place?
  • The Roman Empire is said to have fallen in 476 A.D. The United States of America will be said to have fallen in 2016 if Donald J. Trump is elected president. Question: Should supporters of Trump be arrested and jailed now, before the election, or after they cast a vote for him in November?