Seizing on the popularity of Texas-style barbecue, Republican senators on Friday proposed a unique solution to the problem of unemployment in the United States — namely, expand the definition of beef to include the moist and tender meat of slow-cooked unemployed people.
“We’ve come up with a win-win scenario for folks who love pit-cooked barbecue and would also like to see the unemployment rate go down,” said Senator Wilford Shambles, Republican of South Carolina. “Our plan is to certify jobless people as USDA Prime beef and sell them — the brisket portion of them — to barbecue joints. If you slow-cooked the meat for 12 to 15 hours at 275 degrees with a simple salt-and-pepper rub and a little garlic powder, no one would know the beef wasn’t from a cow.”
Despite resistance from Democrats and the unemployed, the proposal won unanimous support among GOP senators, who differed only in their preference for lean or fatty cuts of meat.
“We’ve got to do something about the unemployed,” said Shambles, “but we’re against spending money on liberal programs like job-training and education. Our favorite solution for people without jobs or job prospects is to send them either to prison or into a war of some kind, but that’s not always legally or politically possible. So we thought up this barbecue idea.”
“Just the other day,” continued Shambles, “I tested a half-pound of the smoked brisket myself. I think it was a former constituent of mine — nice guy, but had trouble finding a job. As barbecue though, he just fell off the fork. Really tasty stuff.”