Senate Votes to Ban Marriage Between People of Same Color

In an effort to ease racial tension and division across the United States, the Senate on Friday approved a far-reaching “Blended Pigment” bill that would ban marriage and love relationships between people of the same color.

The measure, which passed 86 to 14, would dissolve all existing “monochromatic couplings” and, as of Oct. 1, require marriages and other love-based unions to consist of one white person and one nonwhite person, or one person of color and one person of color of another color.

“This was a hard decision,” said Senator Sheldon Burr, Republican of Georgia and the chief sponsor of a bill that would force him, as a white man, to abandon his white wife in favor of a black, brown, yellow, or red woman. “But the truth is we need a few decades of enforced interracial love in this country — that’s the only way we’re going to overcome the ugly and corrosive division between people of different hue and shading. Let’s be honest, the real solution to racial fear and distrust is to cross the romantic color line, fall in love and make families together. Actually, it sounds kind of fun, doesn’t it?”

But with white people outnumbering people of color in the U.S., many whites fear that the bill, if signed into law, would make them losers in a competition for minority spouses and lovers.

“If you add up all the blacks and browns in the country, you barely get to 30 percent of the population,” said Diane Felker, a white Houston woman currently in a monochromatic, heterosexual marriage. “What happens when the available men in that 30 percent are all taken and I didn’t get one of them? Do I sneak around and love a white man illegally? They say that could land me in jail for seven years.”

In response to such concerns, Burr said there would be two options for single white people who can demonstrate that, within 400 miles of their primary residence, no person of color is “reasonably available” for marriage or a love-based relationship. The white person could apply for a certificate of exception — also known as a romantic variance — allowing him or her to 1) love another white person; or 2) seek inclusion in an existing romantic union, regardless of its colors.