A Cook’s Crock: Recipes Inspired by Real Politics, Reality TV, and an Unreal Culture

Fox News Soup with Tail Hound Ailes & Bitters
For this earthy and awful dish, debone the carcass of a lewd and well-fired TV news executive. Cut up the blubbery mass of crude white meat into strips and chunks. Place these into a boiling stock of lecherous Foxtail chaser and then grope for the meat until you can pinch it and get away with it. Garnish with a bad apple, preferably a fat and dirty one. Serves 4 to 6 perverts

Trump Rump Roast
If you’re lost and scared and willing to eat anything, try a pink and well-marbled rump or hindquarter of Donald Trump. This classic butt-roast is marinated in a bath of fear and anger, simmered in a broth of drivel and claptrap, then finished with a gravy of twaddle and malarkey laid on thick. Garnish with piffle. Ideal side dishes are prattle and palaver. For dessert, make a crème brûlée de bûrble with a drizzle of blãther. Leftovers: Use beef scraps to make an excellent gumbo of mumbo-jumbo. Serves Putin

Kimchi Kardashian Khloéslaw
This deeply unsatisfying dish of empty calories is made of highly processed and pickled yucca, mixed with fermented (or demented) Cabbage Patch stars dunked in a sickening syrup of high-fructose flimflam — or glam — and rolled in colored sugar or edible glitter. The unwholesome concoction is then preserved, or left to rot, in a brine of sticky celebrity and appalling decadence. Garnish with dried-up currants and Kanye’d walnuts, expired or past-prime. Serves no one

Ye Olde English Beef Brexit Pie
For this classic recipe, chefs prefer ingredients grown, raised, and manufactured in Britain but will accept substitutes when the English options are unavailable or too expensive. Best when made by Anglo-Saxon cooks between the years 750 and 1650, after which the dish was tainted by foreign influences and became unrecognizable. Pairs well with Beowulf-era mead in a pewter tankard with an antler handle. Serves 6 to 8 courtiers at the table of Alfred the Great

Pokémon Go Augmented Reality Ramen
This easy-to-make recipe offers virtual nutrition to aimless young men who are unwilling or unable to develop a real life or even a two-dimensional facsimile of one.  A 3-D noodle dish that never disappoints, it’s also a harmless and inexpensive way to get you through the early phase of an unpromising life. There is no ideal side dish. Garnish with nothing. Serves a questionable purpose