Newly Discovered Gospel of Nancy to Become Part of New Testament

In a move that is expected to make the world a more fair and equitable place for average working-class people, Christian churches on Thursday voted unanimously in favor of adding the recently discovered Gospel of Nancy to the New Testament. Updated Bibles, including a photograph of Nancy’s signature, are expected to be available in bookstores in early November.

Unearthed in late August by archaeologists working 40 miles east of Jerusalem, the Gospel of Nancy is noteworthy for its depiction of Jesus’s little sister, Jesusah, as a fierce, hot-tempered advocate for social and economic justice.

In Nancy’s account, Jesusah (pronounced Juh-ZOO-zah) differs with Jesus over the timing of punishment for serial and unrepentant sinners. The disagreement is most striking in the case of financial sinners who are committed — as a way of life — to organized greed, or corporate greed (“korporateia greedioikos” in the second-century Greek of Nancy’s text).

For example, while Jesus would cast “systematic money-hoarders” into a pit of eternal fire after their death, Jesusah insists they be punished “in this life, and within a week of their most recent offense; or, ideally, not more than six hours following it.”

To press her argument, Jesusah (in Nancy’s telling) approaches Jesus near an organic olive grove in Galilee and says: “Big brother, you would allow thieving bankers, market manipulators (“marketiois manipulatorikos”), and other daily practitioners of financial fraud to wallow in undeserved luxury for 20, 30, 40 years or more before casting them into the flames?”

“Why be ye so impatient, little sister?” says Jesus, using the archaic diction he favors.

“Because!” screams Jesusah, “the multitude will no longer abide an economy whose vast wealth is reserved for an avaricious elite concerned only with enriching itself further and further and…It’s enough! Society must be organized around the interests and well-being of the many, not the very few.”

“My dear little sister, you—”

“Don’t ‘little sister’ me,” shouts Jesusah in her brother’s face. “Gather up the greedy now, and if they won’t agree to strict and meaningful financial reforms by noon today, then I myself will fling them into hell this evening, two or three decades before you and dad would get around to doing it.”