In its first endorsement of a political candidate in more than 75 million years, Nature itself on Monday threw its vast and awesome yet inscrutable and occasionally frightening support behind Hillary Clinton for president.
Nature, in the sense of the entire physical universe — including all plant and animal life, all visible and invisible matter, as well as all forces and processes that generate movement and growth — made the announcement at a morning news conference in Sagittarius Dwarf, a galaxy neighboring the Milky Way.
“Although I cannot vote,” said Nature, flanked by dark and lifeless landscapes stretching into nothingness, “I am committed to doing all I can to ensure that a sane and mature and responsible human being is elected to the White House. If, God forbid, a creature like Donald J. Trump should ever win the presidency of even a bowling league, the universe might well collapse under the weight of shame and embarrassment.”
In closing, Nature itself stomped the gray and desolate ground of the unnamed and insignificant planet on which it spoke and then, pointing a scary finger in the shape of a lightning shaft toward the United States, said:
“Americans, stand up! Look at me! You there! You who would make a president of an ignorant buffoon, a rich and shallow clown, a vulgar cartoon character with a mean streak and a crude, dumb swagger — you do indeed have good reason to look away from me, from Nature itself.”