Trump Nominates Crude and Immature Seventh-Grade Boy as Secretary of Underdevelopment

Moving quickly to fill a cabinet post he created earlier this week, President Donald J. Trump on Thursday selected Brandon Kerris, a deeply immature and frequently disruptive seventh-grader, to be his secretary of underdevelopment.

Kerris, 13, attends Walt Whitman Middle School in Pittsburgh but is currently serving a 15-day suspension for grabbing a female teacher by the vagina and shouting “If the president can do it, so can I.”

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Taking advantage of Kerris’s time away from school, the Senate Judiciary Committee plans to hold confirmation hearings for the impulsive and unmanageable student on Tuesday and Wednesday of next week. Democratic committee members say they will use some of their time in the hearings to challenge Mr. Trump’s rationale for creating a Department of Underdevelopment (or “DUD,” as the president termed it).

In his defense of DUD, Mr. Trump claimed he needed a department where he could go "to be all creepy and juvenile about fantastic babes and their tremendous, tremendous bodies;” and where, he explained, “there wouldn’t be any liberal media types hanging around to make a big fuss when I say horrible things about ugly women or even about gorgeous women and their amazing, amazing, truly incredible breasts.”

In other news, Mr. Trump announced Friday that the Department of Defense would be renamed the Department of Suspense, given the uncertainty of whether the American president or the Russian president would ultimately control it.