Jesus Says He Will Avoid United States during ‘Second Coming’ Tour

Saying he has grown increasingly terrified of his American followers over the past decade, culminating in their strong support of Donald J. Trump for president in November, Jesus Christ on Thursday announced his decision to cancel all 14 stops in the U.S. portion of his “Second Coming” world tour.

The announcement, written in Aramaic, was read aloud by the angel Gabriel to a gathering of event planners in Houston, who understood nothing of what they heard. Sensing the problem, and realizing he’d forgotten to bring an English translation of the text, Gabriel paraphrased the message in his own broken English, as follows:

“Jesus want to say if he parachute into, or descend into America todays, you know, he probably be in danger for chattering or chitchatting way much about loving other brothers—or loving others, I mean, as brothers and scissors. He worry his words of kindness and kindling cause volcano explosion of molten Twitter lava, with headless goat-people and hairy-hearted devils tweeting orange-hot fires of scalding vomit and flesh-charring spittle at him.”

“Jesus also ask why his American lovers want him as spirit leader and God-Guy when so many of them, only few-few weeks ago, choose nation leader, Trumpet Man, who seem to embalm, or embody very opposite of everything Jesus preach and screech and stand in for, stand high up for, on two heavenly legs in Galilee and Jerusalem.”

“Trumpet Man so crude and boastful and he speak false things like lost sheep boy with squirrel soul. And he worship oily money, gold and sliver, or silvers and fine tweezers, and he like platinum in his slippers and diamonds on his napkins. He a man who love shiny riches and sparklers, treasure boxes of glistening jowels and glittering jewels—all hollow stuff, surface things that Bible say no good. How Jesus fit in with all that?”