Federal Judge Orders Trump to Use Grammar, Take Fifth-Grade English Course

A federal judge has ordered President Donald J. Trump to enroll in the equivalent of a fifth-grade English class in order to “study and gain some proficiency in the grammar and usage” of his native language.

The judge, Gabriela T. Calderon of the Eastern District of Kentucky, ruled on Friday that Mr. Trump had until June 1 “to demonstrate a knowledge of English greater than that of Tarzan.”

The decision further stated: “At least Tarzan had an excuse for speaking poorly—he grew up in the jungle and was raised by animals. Mr. Trump by contrast grew up in a city and was raised by human beings, so what excuse does he have for grunting out words and phrases like a wolf-boy or an ape-man? Can the leader of the free world do no better than to speak in hoots, bleats, yips, woofs, squawks, and tweets?”   

Following her ruling, Judge Calderon took to Twitter to complain that “Our so-called president embarrasses the whole nation by expressing himself like a Stone Age toddler. What a total loser. No clue how to speak or write English! Terrible example for our children. Sad!”