Saying that nearly 63 million American voters have put the world at grave risk by electing an unstable egomaniac as president, God announced Friday morning that God favored a plan to mete out a series of unusually harsh punishments against such voters beginning in mid-April and continuing through eternity.
Visibly outraged, God spoke via teleconference to a small group of angels and prophets at a forum in Davos, Switzerland, for the emergency relief of Syrian refugees. God began by affirming that God was a righteous God but also a God of vengeance, especially toward those who, from a position of comfort, do not welcome the poorest of strangers in utmost distress.
In waiving the typical policy of delaying punishment of people until after their death, God pointed out that the willful and harmful misuse of a vote is an electoral sin so vile that it requires punishment in this life, with the sinner’s friends and family present to witness the application of divine justice, however grisly.
“Those who in their fear and spite and ignorance would elect a yet more fearful and spiteful and ignorant person as president of a great nation—they are the children of electoral darkness,” intoned God. “It is for them now, if they desire salvation, to seek forgiveness and repentance by calling for the impeachment of the creepy and dangerous clown they elected.”