Poll: Vast Majority of Dead People Find the Afterlife Disappointing

Nearly 80 percent of deceased human beings are unhappy with their living conditions in the afterlife and, by a similar margin, say they prefer life before death to life after death, according to an Angel News Network poll released Wednesday.

The survey, based on 1,255 interviews conducted in mid-February, found that 78.2 percent of dead people were either “disappointed” or “deeply disappointed” by the life they inherited upon dying. Of these, nearly all of them, or 97.4 percent, said that their afterlife was “worse” or “much worse” than the life they had before it.

“It was just a huge let-down waking up after dying and being handed a clipboard with about 20 intake forms to fill out,” said Michael Wickersham, a former UPS driver from Houston. “I knew right away that this afterlife thing, despite all the talk of pure bliss and total peace, was going to be more of the same—especially when the pen attached to the clipboard didn’t work.”

Julie Bauman, aged 68 at death and now 71, became disenchanted with the afterlife when, a mere two months after dying, she was confronted and harangued by her deceased parents for having failed to arrange what they considered sufficiently high-quality elder care for them in their former life.

“You’d think that in death, or after death, my parents would finally cut me a little slack,” said Bauman. “But no, being utter narcissists, they continue to hound me beyond the grave and into the next life. I know we’re not supposed to question God’s plan, but I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to deal with my parents for all of eternity.” 

Although many of the dead recalled the terrible problem of God’s distance or even absence from human affairs in the previous life, they complained that in the afterlife God’s presence was nearly suffocating. 

“In the other life you were always wondering if God even existed,” said Theresa Yost, a former bartender who died two years ago at age 61. “But here in the afterlife he’s practically on top of you, so there’s no way to doubt his existence. He’s in your face most of the day and then wants to talk half the night. He goes on and on about human suffering—brain cancer, kidnappings, children in war zones—and tries to explain why he can’t, or won’t, do anything about it. But none of his reasons are very convincing, so he’s got this massive guilt. When I tell him he should see a therapist, he says he’s above all that. Which is another thing that bugs me about God—he’s always a little bit holier-than-thou.”