Universe to Undergo Repairs and Renovations for Next 2.6 Million Years

As of June 1, much of the universe will be shut down for extensive repairs and a major redesign of at least 200 billion galaxies, including the Milky Way, according to a statement released Thursday by Meyer & Whitman, the New York architectural firm hired by God to oversee the work.

The centerpiece of the Milky Way’s redesign will be the installation of 62 billion new, state-of-the-art, energy-saving LED stars. These stars won’t be anything like the ones that have flickered in the night sky since shortly after the Big Bang. Instead, they will burn 30,000 times brighter, and will do so in a coordinated display of pulsating, multicolored light — accompanied by a continuous stream of pop, jazz, and country music hits, audible throughout the galaxy.  

“In its 13.8 billion years, the cosmos has never had a face-lift,” said Alison Burdock-Chen, a Meyer & Whitman senior vice president for heavenly affairs. “And I think most people would agree that the look and feel of the universe is quite dated. It’s all rather drearily appointed with lifeless planets and poorly lit galaxies — and there are too many interstellar spaces furnished with a lot of drab and shapeless dark matter. So, we’re going to do a little buffing and shining in order to give the universe a cleaner, more contemporary look.

The project, which is expected to be completed in 2.6 million years, will be funded by an anonymous group of angel investors as well as a $900 quadrillion grant from the Moses T. and Jesus W. Christ Foundation for a Green Cosmos. Any cost overruns will be absorbed by the general contractor, as per the agreement with God and unnamed members of the Holy Family.