U.S. To Be Renamed Trumpistan, with President to Become ‘Grand Sultan’ of Wholly Owned Nation

In a clear signal of the direction it wants to take the country, the White House announced Friday that the United States would be renamed Trumpistan and that the individual states would become wholly owned properties—or “business entities”—of the Trump Family Empire.

Under the national reorganization, the fifty states will be assigned new names that include the word Trump, such as Trumpizona, Trumpiana, Trumpabama, Trumporado, Trumpahoma, and Trumpylvania. 

The White House also said that President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump would be known officially as the Grand Sultan and Sultana of the Various Lands and Numerous Provinces of Trumpistan, Including All Holdings Both Divine and Secular, Whether or Not Such Holdings Carry Hidden Loans or Are Mired in Complex Debt Owed to Creditors either Russian or Chinese.

The changes, effective July 1, “show that President Trump is keeping his promise to make America great again,” said Trump Media anchor Sean Spicer. “By consolidating all U.S. real estate into the Trump Family portfolio, the president is positioning himself to better serve those who have nothing at all, neither savings nor health insurance nor dental care.”