GOP Offers No-Cost Health Plan That Lists Jesus As The Only In-Network Doctor

Senate GOP leaders announced Thursday that their health-care plan would eliminate all health-care costs, and thus any need for insurance, by requiring people to seek miraculous cures and other free medical treatment from Jesus Christ, via prayer.

Critics immediately denounced the plan as stupid, claiming that prayer — whether to Jesus or God or any combination of both — has a “spotty record” in treating common illnesses such as cancer and heart disease. Skeptics also noted that Jesus, who has not practiced medicine in more than 2,000 years, would be overwhelmed by a patient load numbering in the hundreds of millions, with many of those people uncertain how to pray for medical procedures such as colonoscopies and coronary bypasses. 

The Republican plan, drafted in secret by men with pinched yet swollen faces, lists Jesus as the only in-network doctor, as well as the only provider who is currently accepting new patients. All fully human physicians are listed as not merely out-of-network but “in-no-network” of any kind, and so cannot legally practice medicine.

“This is a pretty good health plan and we intend to shove it gently down the American people’s throats as if it were a big fat thermometer,” GOP leaders said in a joint statement. “At least it’s not Obamacare, which costs money and was cooked up by the devil. That’s why our plan is called Jesus Care, because in the Bible it’s Jesus who’s always talking about caring for the poor and the sick and the wretched masses, those without medical coverage. So why not let him take a shot at this health-care thing? He’s a healer and his services are free.”