Animal Kingdom Launches Worldwide Counteroffensive Against Humans; Battles Rage on 3 Continents as Both Sides Report Heavy Casualties; Last-Ditch Fight for Habitat

WASHINGTON — In coordinated attacks on 34 sites in seven nations across the globe, the Animal Kingdom on Thursday launched a worldwide war to reclaim land and water necessary for the survival of all species. The nighttime raids began with waves of F-18 Bluefin-Tuna bombers and A-12 Screaming Monarch-Butterfly cruise missiles, striking coastal and inland targets in Europe, America, and Australia.

“Further delay was not an option,” said Maj. Gen. Harry Stripe, a member of an endangered Siberian tiger clan. “We could no longer sit around and watch whole species dwindle and die as we engaged in fruitless diplomatic talks with humans, who care more about football and fancy cars than the survival of turtles and polar bears, rhinos and penguins, frogs and gorillas.”

In the United States, squadrons of T-9 vomit-inducing shock oysters and R-56 rotoprop intestine-seeking crap-fire earthworms swooped down over the Atlantic coast, targeting stockholders in dirty energy facilities such as oil refineries and coal-fired power plants, as well as owners of seaside developments that wreak havoc on both marine and terrestrial life.

A thousand miles inland, mammalian infantry seized 200 million acres of formerly rich and fertile land, made sterile by decades of agricultural misuse. Animal officials say they intend to wean the land of its addiction to ruinous pesticides such as 2,4-D and Roundup.

Citing human overpopulation as the main threat to habitat, animals used Scorpion Ground Units and Avian Special Forces to strike at breeding-age men across Europe, China and America, spraying them with organic spermicides and erection-wilting essential oils.

“If people won’t manage their own population growth then we’ll have to do it for them,” said Lt. Col. Raymond Flipper, a 2,000-pound Pacific Walrus who volunteered to lead his endangered species into war rather than watch it go down without a fight. “And if this means hitting men where it hurts them most, so be it. We’ll have them searching their pants for anything that previously had marked them as male.”