Scientists Identify President Trump as the Long-Sought ‘Missing Link’ Between Chimps and Humans

Returning from a failed archaeological dig near the border of Kenya and Tanzania, American scientists landed in Washington on Thursday and were elated to discover, while touring the White House, what had eluded them in East Africa: namely, evidence of a common evolutionary ancestor, or living animal relative, linking chimpanzees and Homo sapiens.

The scientists had expected that evidence of the so-called “missing link” would turn up in the fossil record, possibly in the form of a 7-million-year-old jawbone or a set of 10-million-year-old black teeth with no trace of whitening agents on them. Instead, the crucial find came at the White House in the form of President Donald J. Trump.

“In him, the leader of the free world, we discovered a lower primate whose outward appearance is that of a human but whose brain and cognitive capacity resemble that of a chimpanzee or an Old World monkey without a tail,” said Dr. Rachel Pasternak, a paleontologist at the University of Minnesota. “He is perhaps the lone surviving member of a species — known as Homo ludicrous — that flourished 12 million to 15 million years ago in the Miocene geological period. I’ll leave it for others to comment on why the American people have allowed what is essentially a chimp/human hybrid to serve as their president.”