God, Saying It’s Time to Move On, Will Retire in October as Head of Universe

After nearly 14 billion years as the deeply influential yet utterly invisible chief executive of the cosmos, God announced Thursday that he would step down in October in order “to make way for new leadership and to spend more time with family and friends, as well as to travel and possibly do a little fishing.”

God, who created the universe out of nothing but has never explained how, said that the search for a successor was underway and that seven strong candidates had already been identified: four angels, two human beings, and one eagle. Interviews are set to begin as early as next week, with the new God expected to be on board by mid-September.

“The qualities I’m looking for in a new deity are those that I’ve lacked,” the Supreme Being said in a written statement. “I’ve always been transcendent to a fault, too aloof and distant, too ghostly and mysterious. People now want a God who is visible and available, someone they can speak with in person, and not merely pray to in silence and then wonder if the voice they hear in response is actually God or just chatter from their own head.”

In order to ensure a smooth transition of power, the Creator said he would work side by side with his replacement for a period of weeks, instructing the new God in matters such as ultimate judgment and techniques of punishment, as well as maintenance and upkeep of the Cosmos.

On a personal note, the Lord Almighty said he had no definite plans for the future other than to go on a two-week trip in November to Galaxy GN-z11, where he will begin work on a memoir about his life before the universe existed.