Trump Bans Use of Silent Letters in English Words, Saying ‘Every Letter Should Make a Sound or What Good Is It?’

Confessing that silent letters had always confused him because he wanted to say them aloud but was told not to, President Trump on Thursday outlawed the use of any letter that does not make a sound.

The executive order, effective October 1, will require people to “clearly pronounce” formerly silent letters, such as the “e” at the end of the word “time”. Therefore, parents accustomed to calling their children to the dinner table by saying “It’s time for dinner,” will instead have to say “It’s TI-mee for dinner.”

Under the edict, people will have the option of eliminating a silent letter rather than pronouncing it, in which case a word like “time” would become “TIM,” the long "I" becoming short, given the necessary vowel shift. Thus parents would call their children to the dinner table by saying “It’s TIM for dinner,” regardless of whether they had a son named Tim.

Following Trump’s decree, people around the nation could be overheard practicing the new way of enunciating key phrases, such as “weak leader,” making sure to pronounce the silent “a” in both of those words.    

A woman from Elroy, Ohio, was heard to mutter: “Trump is an appallingly ‘we-AK le-AD-er,’ easily the ‘we-AK-est le-AD-er’ the American nation has ever been made to endure.”