In a clear sign of impatience with human folly and ignorance, nearly 200 major and minor gods on Thursday announced plans to evict President Donald Trump from the White House and banish him from the United States. The gods — including Zeus, Thor, Shiva, Yahweh, Krishna, and Marduk — noted that Vice President Mike Pence would accompany Mr. Trump into permanent exile, with both men allowed to wear only untreated animal skins for clothing.
Following their expulsion, scheduled for October 1, the disgraced leaders will be shackled to a remote mountain face in the Himalayas and guarded by hot-tempered Sherpas. The former president will receive a daily meal of goat broth and yak liver, with the leftovers going to Mr. Pence.
“Something had to be done,” the Norse god Odin said in a Skype interview Friday morning. “It was Vishnu and Athena and one of the lesser gods whose name I can’t recall right now—maybe Pollux or Ikenga—who persuaded us that we could no longer watch from heaven as an unstable and immoral buffoon presided over the affairs of a once-great nation. We then packed our duffel bags and headed to earth. We realized that this dangerous clown, aided by a sinister talking puppet with a painted-on smile — Mr. Pence — threatened not only the earth but the cosmos as well.”
After taking Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence to Nepal and transferring them into the custody of the short-fused Sherpas, the gods will focus on U.S. electoral reform — with the goal of preventing the American people from ever again voting in an election.
“Handing these people a ballot is like giving matches and gasoline to a seven-year-old boy,” said Odin. “We can’t allow it anymore — they’d vote for a spotted hyena if it promised to make America great again, which, come to think of it, is pretty much what they did on November 8.”