In Puzzling Move, God Chooses Ohio Woman with Criminal History to Replace Him as Supreme Being

God’s recent announcement that he would step down in October as the all-knowing, all-powerful Lord of the cosmos prompted intense and around-the-clock speculation about who would replace him. Would the Supreme Being choose a senior angel from within his inner circle, as many analysts and God-watchers believed; or would he opt for any of three or four minor gods who seem poised for a larger role in the cosmos, as Las Vegas oddsmakers predicted? 

The answer? None of the above. With his selection on Wednesday of a human being as his successor — namely, Sharon Wickersham, a rural Ohio woman with numerous convictions for burglary, drunken driving, and the possession and sale of illicit drugs — the Creator confounded the expectations of nearly everyone, believers and unbelievers alike. Thus, the focus of attention has turned to the mystery of God’s decision, as well as to the fear and anxiety many people feel at the prospect of worshipping a god who, as a person, was unable to manage her own life, much less anyone else’s.

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“It’s utterly incomprehensible that God would pick Sharon Wickersham to be the infinite and everlasting source of all things,” said Carl Ruschmeyer, a former probation officer and now a substance abuse counselor who has dealt with Wickersham in both capacities. “I mean, this is a woman who only rarely means well and is often willfully destructive, both to herself and others. Who the hell is going to pray to her?”

Wickersham, 59, an unemployed beauty technician who last worked in the early 1980s, served a four-year sentence at the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility in the 1990s, and then again from 2003 to 2008, for armed robbery and drug trafficking. In July of 2016 she was convicted of aggravated assault with both a hammer and a metal shovel, but the two-year sentence was suspended on the condition that she undergo psychiatric treatment.

“This woman has no business running the cosmos and making final judgments, or even preliminary judgments, about other people,” said Lisa Jenkins, the pastor at Timothy Lutheran Church for Plus-Sized Bodies and Souls, located in Wickersham’s hometown of Beaver Creek, 55 miles northeast of Cincinnati. “All I can think is that, with this choice, God is saying something we should listen to. He’s saying that the nations of the world, and the people in them, continue to behave with such horrifying greed, cruelty and stupidity that they’ve forfeited the right to a worthy God — and will now have to make do with a feeble and pathetic god, a god more suited to their puny moral stature.”

As of Friday morning, God had yet to respond to numerous requests for comment.