Archived Uprooted Connections

INMATE AT FACTORY FARM, uncastrated male hog, nice loins, wants to correspond with sympathetic, free range sows. Interested in swine with access to tools, particularly bolt and wire cutters.

MEKONG BOBTAIL CAT, male, of Russian origin, born in Laos, raised in China, fled to England during Mao’s Cultural Revolution, immigrated to the United States in 1987, grew morbidly obese from poor self-control and heavily marketed culture of ever faster and junkier food, “food” horrifically processed and manipulated for the sake of corporate profit rather than human health and children’s well-being and....Wait, why am I writing? Oh, I’m a senior and world-weary tomcat, a good listener with stories to tell. I desire companionship with a caring and thoughtful female shorthair, a feline who likes to discuss U.S. politics and plutocracy and who suspects those two nouns have become nearly synonymous, but who compensates for that sad fact with the right blend of gravel and honey in her purr.

COHO SALMON, female, bursting with heart-healthy Omega-3 fatty oils, seeks female partner for 1,500-mile journey from Bering Sea up the Yukon River to stream bed of my birth in Alaska. I am open to spawning via sperm donor if you are willing to share burden of guarding eggs till they hatch.

TALL THIMBLEWEED, divorced mother of roughly 200 seedlings, fit and active, financially secure with no hidden agenda, wishes to meet an employed, responsible, nonsmoking, light-drinking, single morel mushroom. No games. Not into kinky. Let’s see if lunch and coffee provide a reason for dinner and romance.

PINK AZALEA, comfortable in hardiness zones 5, 6, 7, 8, bored with self-pollination, seeks to cross-pollinate with a colorful hybrid. If interested, send pollen sample and photo of stamen. I’m dormant now but long to wake up with someone in early spring and bloom together from mid-April to mid-May.

DECIDUOUS TREE, 80 feet tall, 134 years old, with dense, dark green foliage and orange/yellow autumn color, seeks conifer with healthy needles and sense of humor. Prefer a pine or cedar but would consider the right yew, larch, cypress, or juniper. Must be genuinely available, emotionally intelligent, kind and attentive to others. I am essentially immobile and have no interest in travel but adore swaying and even bending a little. Let’s grow together.